a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
