i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I want a musical about memes.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
