She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
