the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
