let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
