i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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