currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
