That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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