I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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