I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
