these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
