you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
