My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
