oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
