So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
