i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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