Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
