god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
