i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
