I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
