My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
