He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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