Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
