you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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