When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
