we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
