im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
