ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
