I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
