Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
