My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
