Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
