Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
