Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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