I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
