I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
