some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
