At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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