don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize