if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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