In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We need to feng shui this bitch.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
