Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
