so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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