I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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