Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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