How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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