I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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