You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
