My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
