It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
