it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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