I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
