Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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