Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
