I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
