Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
