dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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