I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
