While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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