i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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