Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
